Life and Death …

Spinoza getting familiar with grandpa…

“… the shutting down and subsequent rebooting of the planet presently underway may not in fact be a collection of ad-hoc measures that will fade as the contagion does, but that the coronavirus may come to serve as the catalyst for a new kind of society built upon the forms of digitized subjectivity that are forged within the unique historical circumstances of the pandemic.” —Ian Alan Paul, The Corona Reboot

I’m writing today, on the one-year anniversary of my mother’s death, and two weeks since I had major cancer surgery, to take a much longer look at where we are heading, as usual with the foundation of a half dozen or more books I read in the past few months. My own mortality as well as those of the people I love weigh heavily on my mind, etching in sharp relief the simple truth that we just are not here very long. Even a very long life that nears a century is a terribly small part of the sweep of history, both because of the limitations of individual experience AND the impossibility of truly understanding the scope of what is unfolding as we are living through it.

During the year since my mother died—prematurely in some respects, but also at age 83, not really cut short—everyday life has changed dramatically due to the pandemic. Perhaps it was premonitory, but my mother died after a weekend at the Gateway Skilled Nursing Facility in Hayward (where she was sent by Kaiser after the doctors there checked all the boxes that said she was ready to enter rehabilitation), the same Gateway facility where more elders died than any other place in Northern California in the first months of the local outbreak of Covid-19. So perhaps she was spared that indignity, but her own death was hastened by the overworked, inattentive staff maintained by the corporate overlords there when they didn’t notice for more than 12 hours that her oxygen levels had fallen dangerously low. She suffered brain damage and could no longer speak the next morning, and she died that evening after being rushed back to Kaiser. We felt lucky to be at her bedside in her last moments, watching her fight for life against the inevitable, and giving her what comfort we could. It was heart-wrenching, but it was real. Life is death and death is life…

And life is life, too! On May 31 my second granddaughter, Spinoza Bente Sphere Manning Hasan, was born, and she’s a delight. Following Halloul who joined us in May 2017, I can’t tell you how personally lucky I feel to have a growing extended family; it fills me with such love that it’s almost painful! Halloul and I get together at least twice a week to play for a few hours, and soon I hope I’ll be able to take both kids when Spinoza gets a bit older and more mobile. Halloul’s intellectual growth, sophisticated 3-year-old syntax, and all around playfulness is endlessly entertaining.

Spinoza home from hospital on June 1, 2020 with Halloul and me.
Dad meets Spinoza, July 3, 2020.
Sneaking out for ice cream!

After months of weird dislocations imposed by the pandemic, we managed to book a whole season of outdoor events for Shaping San Francisco’s Fall 2020. This has gone extremely well, in spite of frequently smoke-filled skies from unprecedented wildfires, and having to hold down the number of people who can attend any given event. Perhaps that has even accidentally helped, since our events have been mostly full with waiting lists, unlike the hit or miss we were used to over the past decade. I was able to take part in all the events until two weeks ago when I had cancer surgery. (We also have been able to maintain our income, thanks to the ongoing support of our donors, and some help from federal and state emergency grants that we were able to get.)

from the August 28 Bay Cruise, under smoke-filled skies…
Tabling during an impromptu community festival in Balmy Alley, Oct. 3 2020.
LisaRuth presenting on women printers across from the old DeYoung Building (home to the SF Chronicle from the 1880s til the 1950s) during our Market Street: The Contested Boulevard walking tour.

I got the bad news in July, after noticing a bump on my left cheek in January, that I had metastasized melanoma tumors. The doctors at Kaiser seem very capable and I’ve received excellent treatment I think. After the scary diagnosis, they put me on an experimental immunotherapy treatment that uses monoclonal antibodies to boost my immune system’s ability to target T-cells at this particular cancer. There were practically no side effects, and after three treatments, the tumors had noticeably shrunk. I had surgery on October 13, a parotidectomy to remove most of my salivary gland and neck dissection to remove about 30-50 lymph nodes. After 9 hours I woke up and was happy that my brain seemed ok. I soon noticed that the left side of my face was numb. I had been warned that I may be partially paralyzed for months or longer, but happy to say, most of my facial muscles are already working again after two weeks. I still have a massive numb area on my lower left cheek and jaw where the Frankensteinian scars run, and I have weirdness with my lips and mouth so eating and chewing are mostly the same, but not quite. I can’t purse my lips the same (Adriana and I have a daily Kiss-o-meter to check my progress) nor can I gargle properly. And the worst outcome is that my voice is not working. I can speak in a hoarse whisper. The doc says I have to wait 30 days to see if my voice returns, and if not, then we can look into further medical treatment to restore it. Ugh. It’s the worst of this for me. The best news is that the pathology report came back after 9 days and showed that I had no cancer! They found some dead cancer cells in the remains of the tumor, but no spreading to my lymph nodes and nothing still alive at the time of surgery. So it seems that the experimental treatment had a miraculous effect and already killed the cancer. My surgeon was truly surprised at this outcome. Score one for high-tech medicine!

The grisly proof (that I’m an android!)

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29 comments to Life and Death …

  • Glenn Bachmann

    Chris, I had no idea you were going through this, until I saw your Instagram post yesterday. (I guess that’s what I get for avoiding Facebook, as well as just being hunkered down in the day-to-day.) On this day of Thanksgiving, I’m very thankful that you didn’t discorporate! This world would be a much poorer place without you! Anyway, I hope you get your voice back—so glad you’re on the mend! I always love it when our paths cross!

  • Hi Chris, Guess I have been a bit slow to learn of your health problems, but I am wishing you the best recovery in the shortest possible time! Abrazos, Jim Fleming

  • David Gallagher

    Just reading this now, and my thoughts are with you for a full recovery. One thing i do know for sure though, Chris Carlsson’s voice will never be silenced.

  • Phil

    Sending you and the entirety of your growing family so much love from here in Barcelona. Thanks for writing so much and sharing photos of F and these amazing new humans of hers. Glad to hear you are on the mend and hoping the voice box recovers soon. Hope to be able to run into you by bike again soon as we always seem to have done.

  • tom wetzel

    Hey Cris, I have not talked with you in person in a long time. Hopefully we will get that opportunity.

    My brother also had a similar escape from skin cancer — those of us of the northern Euro very light complected sort here in sunny California — including me — are at risk of this.

    I’m sort of envious of your grandpa status, as your grandkids seem a blessing. I do make it into the city regularly and would like to connect up with you at some point. I haven’t really had a good opportunity for an in depth discussion with you in ages.

    My book which I’ve been working on for 11 years is almost done. so this should make me more available and maybe coming to some of your events.

    tom wetzel

  • Hola hermano, felicidades por tus nietas! Los nietos y las nietas son un faro que nos da impulso nuevo para seguir adelante a ritmo de pedaleo o caminata, suave y seguro, pero adelante.
    Me ilusiona mucho saber que tu salud después de la cirugía mejora, haremos fuerza desde todos los rincones de nuestra nave espacial (planeta) para tu recuperación plena.
    Tenemos pendiente un encuentro en S.Fco o Córdoba, sea donde sea vamos a celebrar la vida y brindar por supuesto.
    Un abrazo y seguimos en contacto

  • Jocelyn

    Thank you for sharing this… wow! Sending love and hugs, and am SO glad we got to have that awesome tour on the boat this summer! Looking forward to your next chapter.

  • Chris, so sorry you went through that but so glad you got through it ok. Such a relief to read that you are back enjoying life as you should be. We need you brother, such a great thing to have you maintaining the spirit of what is still great, though diminished about San Francisco. Keep doing all that you do! You’re an important factor in me still being glad to live here.

  • Lisa Feldstein

    I’m distressed to hear of your cancer diagnosis, and genuinely happy and grateful for the outcome of your surgery as well as your prognosis. Your incision will make for a monumentally awesome scar. (For a long time I was distressed about my cancer surgery scars, but more recently I’ve recognized them as as reminders to feel gratitude for my access to fantastic medical care, and for my life.)
    Let your beloved family and friends take care of you. Remember that the exhaustion you feel is because your body is allocating its resources to healing. Eat lots of nourishing foods – and don’t forget to count ice cream as one of them. We are all grateful to have you amongst us for a long time to come.

  • Tod Booth

    Chris! So glad you are doing well after such a scare! All my love to you and your ever-extending family, old pal! And those are some cool scars!

  • David Kupfer

    Thank you for this good news!
    Please stay healthy!
    We need your wise understated cultural leadership in the present and coming transition!
    Thank you for all you have contributed to San Francisco history and culture!
    You have made a profound difference!!!

  • Nina Serrano

    Bravo to you! beautiful grandchildren. A new book! You are amaving and wonderful. i send yu love and admirstion and enjoyed reading your post . i found a lot of comforting wisdom in them Love, nina.

  • Magick Altman

    Blessed by the little ones and served by the medical world! Good news!

  • Hang in there, Chris, The world needs your influence!

  • Tomás

    I’m so happy to hear of the expansion of your family and your success beating cancer. You’re a gift to this world we live in. I’m glad we get to have you longer.

  • Thanks Miguel! I love Annalee’s books, and her partner Charlie Jane Anders’s too!… they’re brilliant sci-fi writers… look forward to seeing you here again when you get a chance to pop over… sorry about all the cancer and health dramas… it’s a worldwide epidemic hand-in-hand with the pandemic so I guess we shouldn’t be surprised… yay on the Nuke treaty… I’ll feel a whole lot better when they actually dismantle them all!

  • Thanks Gary! yes, my parents did make it to EVERY fuckin’ county in the 48 contiguous states, finishing up about the year my dad retired (23 years ago!)… Hope all is well with you!

  • Gary Roush

    Wow, Chris, I knew about your new granddaughter but had not heard about your cancer. Congrats on beating it, my od friend,, that is beyond Fantastic! And hey, with those tubes you can goes as a character from the Matrix this Halloween: definitely take the blue pill, dude… So ery sorry to hear about your Mom, but yes good that she was spared a Covid death. Did she and your Dad evervget to complete their goal of driving through every county? Hope to see you next time I am our, but may be a while, given the virus. Hope you continue to recover rapidly!

  • Dear Chris,

    Congratulations on the spectacular granddaughters and your amazing cancer treatment and recovery. Weirdly, I too, was diagnosed with cancer just about a year after my octogenarian mother’s death. Also am now healthy with three grandchildren. Take good care of yourself. Positive vibes and self-care are key. Abrazos para ti y Adriana, y toda la familia.

    Juana Alicia

  • Lisa Schiff

    Wow, I had no idea you were battling cancer! I’m so glad you were so successful and are still spreading great ideas!

  • Adam Cornford

    Wow–Chris, I feel really bad that we’ve been so out of touch and I hadn’t known of your cancer. My recent total hip replacement feels like a small thing in comparison, because there was no illness and certainly nothing life-threatening, just pain. I’m really relieved to learn that the therapy and surgery were so successful. I think of you often and am glad you’ve come through this in your usual indomitable way.

  • Dennis Hayes

    Congratulations, Chris, on beating cancer. Add Mari, Bailey and me to the fan club; may love and life get us through the light-less times. Hope to see you soon!

  • Kathleen Coll

    Thank you for sharing this. So glad you are on the mend and cancer free. There’s no silencing you, Chris!

  • Deirdre

    Thank you so much for this update! Congratulations to the new addition to your family, Spinoza! And although my heart goes out to you about the cancer diagnosis, I am happy to read about your optimistic attitude and the successful treatment! May your voice recover soon! Wishing you and your family all the best and sending you love!

  • Karen

    So much going on with you Chris! Congrats and the babies! They’re beautiful and the latest good news with your health. I’m sorry to hear about your mom however. Hopefully she was able to hold off at least see her great granddaughter.

    I’m living alone in soma. Going thru my own challenges and successes now that Jon and I have finally split up.

    Off love to see you again sometime.

    Best wishes to you and your beautiful family.

  • Julie Trachtenberg

    Oh Chris. So good to hear of the outcome. What a force of nature you are and how the great body of science is keeping you here with us. Our last boat ride with you along the bay remains and continues to impact my footing as to why living here resonates. Be well dear friend.

  • Anna

    Chris, I’m so happy that you are improving! I didn’t know. I’m sure your heart dropped with the diagnosis. I’m glad that you had the immunotherapy. They thought to try that on my mom, but decided that she wasn’t a good candidate. I think about all of you often and it’s so nice to see photos of the babies, although I’m sure Halloul doesn’t consider herself one! I loved seeing the picture with the three of you. One of my mom’s quilts is in the background. It was like a little “hello” from her. I miss her terribly as I’m sure you do your mom. Love all you guys and stay safe!

  • Todd

    Hooray! And you’re no android!

  • MiguelO

    Looking forward to your next instalment. Glad to see your still threading together strands of thought from the different books you read. Glad you’re a survivor. Who knows – Maybe I’ll phone or write you at some point? Do you do Zoom? Do you ever read fiction these days? Fascinating writer in San Francisco: Analee Newitz. 2 novels getting attention Autonomous and The Future of Another Timeline. First my favourite but second getting much attention.
    I’m still addicted to fb and now twitter. Would love to talk to you about it. Try to look at them as campaigning tools but know you’re correct what you were saying about them. We’re in Dublin since March. Family non Covid health crisis w Mel’s brother’s cancer. I’ve had health hills and valleys. Hoping to get back Edinburgh mid November. Good news after 50th country ratification last week the Treaty for Abolition Nuclear Weapons TPNW entry into force 22January 2021. Could prove to be a game changer. Best M

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